Cures what ails ya
Miracle Elixir #7
Aged in oak barrels under a waning moon. Distilled from spring water, mountain herbs, and a single, well-kept secret.
- ✦ Restores vim
- ✦ Restores vigor
- ✦ Restores vital fluids (legally)
$19.99 Acquire
★ Genuine Imitation ★
Restorative Tonic
& Family Remedies
A charming purveyor of fine, fine bottles — guaranteed to restore what the good Lord and modern medicine could not.
"Trust me, friend."
★ Restores Vim★ Restores Vigor★ Restores Vital Fluids (Legally) ★ Restores Vim★ Restores Vigor★ Restores Vital Fluids (Legally) ★ Restores Vim★ Restores Vigor★ Restores Vital Fluids (Legally)
The Apothecary
The Goods
Hand-bottled under candlelight. Results not typical. Or typical. We forget which.
The doctor's choice
Professor's Premium Tonic
Why do doctors recommend it? Because we asked nicely and they owed us a favor. Tastes like black licorice and ambition.
- ✦ Boosts energy
- ✦ Sharpens the noggin
- ✦ FDA-adjacent
$24.99 Acquire
A family tradition
Old Wagon's Wonder Oil
Passed down from my pappy, who got it from his pappy, who definitely did not purchase it wholesale from a catalog.
- ✦ For external use
- ✦ For internal courage
- ✦ For anything, really
$14.99 Acquire
A Word From the Professor
The Pitch
"Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round. You there, in the back — yes, you with the skeptical look. Lay down that newspaper. What I'm holding in this here weathered hand is the finest tonic this side of the Mississippi, distilled from a recipe so secret I had to sign a blood oath not to tell my own wife."
01
The Setup
A wagon rolls into town. A crowd gathers. The pitch begins.
02
The Demonstration
A volunteer from the audience drinks. A miracle unfolds.
03
The Sale
Bottles change hands. The wagon rolls on. We part ways richer.
Letters Received
Praise From Satisfied Patrons
Names have been changed to protect the credulous.
"
I was bedridden for weeks. One spoonful and I was back to chasing the chickens by sundown.
Eleanor Whitmore
St. Louis, MO
"
Used it on my horse. Now he reads. Couldn't be more pleased.
Sheriff T. Holloway
Deadwood, SD
"
My husband says I haven't been this lively since the wedding. He means it as a compliment. I think.
Mrs. Clara Pemberton
Boston, MA
Send a Wire
Place Your Order
Cash, check, or gold dust accepted. We do not accept returns, refunds, or constructive criticism.
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Post
P.O. Box 1887, Anytown USA
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Telegram
Wire: SNAKEOIL-CO
🚪
In Person
Watch for the wagon